I liked her as soon as she walked in the door of the office. There was something fresh and natural about her. She was only a girl beginning to blossom into young womanhood. She gave me a friendly smile when I greeted here, “I’m Cindy,” she said.

“I’m glad you came, Cindy, because I know you’re really worried about what to do,” was my response. Earlier I had talked to her on the phone and she had told me that she thought she was pregnant, but wanted to know for sure. She’d found the number of the pregnancy counseling service for which I’m a counselor, in the yellow pages and called for help. The short telephone conversation had indicated that I needed to spend more time with her, and here she was: nineteen years old, a student at a local college, unmarried, and pregnant—at least she had good reason to think she was.

A typical client coming in for pregnancy counseling? Yes, in a sense. There are many girls and women in similar positions, sometimes married, sometimes unmarried who come for help. What they have in common is that they have a “problem pregnancy,” that is, they are expecting or think they are, and a child at this time is a “problem.” There are circumstances which make it extremely difficult to have a baby at this particular time. Sometimes the father is married to someone else. Sometimes it was an “accident” of a young unmarried couple who have a more or less casual relationship. They just do not feel this is a good basis for marriage. Sometimes it is a married woman who simply cannot cope with another child. Sometimes the parents, boyfriend, or husband of the client suggest an abortion, but the woman has misgivings. Sometimes the pregnancy is deliberate on the part of the woman to snare a boyfriend into marriage. Once in a while the pregnancy is the result of rape or incest.

Often the girl or woman is considering an abortion, and she just wants to talk to someone. Often this helps to put the problem into focus. Just talking to someone helps them see their problem objectively and they are helped to explore their options and discover aid or alternatives available to them.

Sometimes it is possible to prevent a client from going through with a planned abortion, but sometimes there is no way to stop her. Those are the hard ones.

In many ways Cindy was no different from other clients I’d counseled. She had also considered an abortion. But what set Cindy apart from other girls was that she started out by saying that she was a Christian, attended a Christian college, and was engaged to be married. Her fiancee had given her money to get an abortion and she had considered it. He gave her all the money he had, she said, and hopefully it would be enough for her to have an abortion—the easiest way to solve the problem, they had decided. All she needed to do was call and make an appointment.

Surely she must be a shallow person without any real Christian convictions to consider an abortion under such circumstances? This was my first reaction. But then she told me what had motivated her and her fiancee.

She didn‘t want to hurt her parents, she said. They held prominent positions in her church, were very active—her father was on the board of trustees, her mother was a Bible study leader and Sunday-school teacher.

Maybe they belonged to a “liberal” church? No, not at all. Her church was a strict, Bible-centered church, and according to her description, seemed to be in the conservative camp.

Maybe Cindy was not getting good grades at school and this was an excuse to get out of school? No, she was at the top of her class, and this would be a great disappointment for her parents who were helping her to go to college.

Cindy and her fiancee had seriously considered abortion as the best way to solve their “problem,” until she had visited with an older sister who had a small child. Seeing her little niece whom she dearly loved had made her change her mind about the abortion, and her fiancee respected her feelings. She knew an abortion was wrong, and she just couldn’t go through with it.

Why had Cindy considered abortion? She just couldn’t hurt her parents. It would be such a blow to them. Besides, her father had financial problems—he had trouble with work. She just couldn’t add thier parents’ troubles by adding hers.

Also, “if I tell the truth, I will be expelled from the Christian College I attend,” she said. “That’s the rule, if you get in trouble before you’re married you can’t stay. Oh,” She said, “I’m so confused. Maybe I’ll even get expelled because I’m not attending chapel. If you miss more than five times you get called in for an interview.”

“Do you feel guilty, and that’s why you don’t go to chapel, because there you are confronted with God?” I asked. She didn’t answer, but the look on her face showed I had hit a sore spot.

“I love my parents and they love me; I just can’t hurt them,” she repeated. “I know my parents are real Christians,” she added.

“Do you think your parents would feel better if you just got married and hid the truth from them?” I asked. “If they’re really Christians, they’ll forgive you and love you just the same, maybe even more, for being open and truthful with them. Besides, if they’re really Christians, God will give them strength and wisdom to help you through. Maybe the Lord wants them to learn something from your problem. They will find out eventually, anyway.”

“Well, we thought maybe if we’d get married now, we could just say the baby came early. I can’t be more than six weeks or so. We’ve thought of just eloping during Christmas vacation, after my exams are over. We can live with my sister, my boyfriend can get a job and I can continue going to college.” Her voice trailed off and a sad look came on her face. “You see, I don’t think my boyfriend’s parents are Christians. They attend church, but they’re not really committed, and neither is my boyfriend.” She hesitated, but went on. “You see, I’m a member by profession of faith, but my boyfriend isn’t. That means I have to confess my sin to the church and it will be made public. My boyfriend won’t let me. He says he’s as guilty as I am and he doesn’t want me to have to go through this alone, because he’s not a member. I can’t tell my parents, for they will feel they have to inform the church.” Her voice broke.

As she talked I felt intense pain. I felt the pain of parents who would have high hopes of a promising Christian daughter disappointed. I felt the pain of a conservative church which sought to uphold the standards of Scripture by applying a high view of discipline. I felt the pain of a young, maturing woman, still in her teens, having to decide whether to honor her parents and the church, or her fiancee’s wishes. I could identify with the pain felt by so many God-fearing fathers and mothers who have honestly and sincerely tried to bring their children up in the “fear of the Lord,” but failed to achieve the hoped for and prayed for results. I felt the pain of the Church who would see yet another one of its promising daughters give in to the temptations of Satan, the world and her own desires. Reflecting further, I wondered if this was something of the pain God felt when His children, Adam and Eve, the parents of us all, sinned against His clear command. It was a long time before either one of us could speak.

“Do you love your boyfriend enough to want to get married to him and live with him the rest of your life?” I finally asked, “Yes,” she replied. “We are engaged, remember. He‘s the only son and he’s going to inherit his father’s dairy farm. I really want to be a farmer’s wife, although I do want to teach some music on the side. That’s why I need to finish college.” Again her voice trailed off.

“Well, we don’t even know for sure whether you’re really expecting,” I said. “Let’s first get that settled.”

I arranged for her to have a pregnancy test. When I called the doctor’s office the following day, I was told the test was positive.

I called Cindy at her college dorm. “Are you free to talk?” I asked. “Yes, I’m alone,” was her reply. “Cindy, it’s positive.” There was a long pause. “Cindy, you will have to make a decision now on what you’re going to do,” I said.

“Yes,” she answered, and there was a firm ring to her voice. “Can you recommend a good doctor?” she asked.

“Do you have money to pay the doctor?” was my response. “Yes, I still have the money my boyfriend gave me. I’m going to get good care for my baby and I want to know how far along I am.”

I knew she wasn’t going to have an abortion (thank God for that!) but was she going to elope, or tell her parents? A few weeks later when I called the college to find out if she was registered for the new semester, the answer was negative.

I’ll probably never know what happened to Cindy. But I keep on wondering, whose daughter is she? I know she is the daughter of loving, serious, Christian parents who have taught her well. I know she is the daughter of a conservative church, which has high Biblical standards.

Is Cindy unique? Is she the only one from a strong Christian background, who, when in trouble, has seriously considered using modern means such as abortion, as a convenient solution to a heartbreaking predicament? From talking to those involved in dealing with young men and women, especially in the counseling and pastoral ministry, I know there are many “Cindy’s.” They will often go to secular, humanistic agencies for help, rather than to their own families and churches. Given human nature, this is understandable, for often it is easier to talk to perfect strangers than to those who are close to you. Yet this shouldn’t be so. That there are agencies, where personnel with Christian morals and compassion provide help is a blessing.

When our children go astray we must therefore, first of all, examine ourselves. Let us reflect on the faults and shortcomings in our own lives before we put all the blame on them. But also, especially, let us who are concerned about preserving Biblical discipline in our homes and churches, be humble and refrain from acting in a proud, judgmental spirit toward others. Instead, let us seek to be followers of Christ Who always sought out the wayward, the sinners and publicans, and let us seek to exercise like compassion, especially towards our own sons and daughters.

Surely there is no room for criticism of our youth when we reflect on the temptations they face. An older generation never faced as many temptations as early in life as our youth face today. From early childhood our children are exposed and bombarded through the media (even if only from advertisements and billboards) by all kinds of un-Christian values, life-styles, and sexual attractions. Twenty years ago drugs and alcohol were beyond the reach of most adolescents. Abortion was still illegal, birth control barely available, let alone in vitro fertilization. Let us consider the temptations which they face and support them, helping them to face those temptations.

It is even more important that our children know that they have a father and a mother and a church who love them. And when they go astray, they should know there are a father and mother, and a church who prayingly wait for them to return.

We can never condone sin, and we would only do them a disservice by being overly permissive and thereby lowering God’s standards. It is the task of the home, the church, and also the school, to teach them the right way (Prov. 22:6). Children have to be taught to distinguish right from wrong, and we are responsible for shaping their consciences in a Biblical way. Also, instead of judging and criticizing them, the home, the church and the school need to stand next to them and help them grapple with the many difficult problems they face, and so equip them to live in this world, preparing them to face the many temptations which sooner or later cross their paths.

Most important of all, our youth must know there are loving parents and a compassionate and forgiving church, eagerly and unconditionally waiting to receive them back, as the Father in the parable of the prodigal son. There is one thing they must always know: there are a father and a mother and a church who love sinners because God loves. Christ came to seek and to save those who are lost. He left the ninety-and-nine to look for the one lost sheep. That is the kind of unconditional love we must seek to exercise. Because there is a God Who has such love, I have hope for Cindy, and many other sons and daughters of the Church.

   

1 This is basically a true case history. For the sake of confidentiality a fictitious name was used and some of the facts were slightly altered.

2 White, John. Parents in Pain. Downers Grove, Illinois 60515: InterVarsity Press, 1979.

Mrs. Pronk is the wife of Rev. Cornelis Pronk, the pastor of the Free Reformed Church of Grand Rapids.