A few years ago, while writing a self-study course on marriage, I asked myself the question: “What is the key to a happy marriage?” I spent an entire day walking around the complex of a mission agency where I was working, contemplating this question.

It is also a question I have posed to the classes I have taught on the principles of marriage at pre-marriage classes at our church. The answers I typically get are good communication, love, shared values, and, of course, commitment. The world would also likely answer with financial security or personal fulfillment. But these are only partial answers.

After reading scores of books on the subject and listening to countless lectures, it became apparent there must be one thing, one word, which provided the answer for which I was searching. After walking around the complex for hours, wearing out a set of shoes, I sat down in my office chair, when the light bulb went on and I found the word. I leapt out of my chair and exclaimed, “That’s it! I’ve got it!”

The word I was searching for and the key to a successful marriage is “selflessness.”

When two people give of themselves selflessly to each other, their marriage will flourish. When they do not, when they are only looking out for themselves, selfishness slowly poisons their marriage, leading to its eventual death.

When a person spends their time and energy looking out for the best interests of their mate, their focus is off their selfish desires and on how they can best help their spouse flourish and thrive. Instead of saying, “This is what I want,” when discussing budgets, careers, children, in-laws, intimacy, and future plans, the conversation will center on “I want you to have what you want and need.” It has shifted from an exercise to pursuing my “personal fulfillment” and being all I think I can be to helping my spouse achieve their fulfillment and potential.

This thinking is alignment with what the Apostle Paul writes in Philippians 2:3 (NIV): “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.” True love places the interest of others above our own self-interest. It is a fundamental Biblical principle that serves as a standard toward which we should all strive.

This makes perfect sense because, in my observation, the happiest people are those who give selflessly of themselves to others. They give of their time, talent, and treasure to the people around them, rather than hoarding it to themselves.

On the other hand, individuals who are chronically unhappy are those solely focused on their own self-interest, with little concern for or interest in the needs and desires of others. They are self-absorbed, always looking for ways to push themselves ahead of others by finding ways to promote themselves while disparaging the people around them.

Unfortunately, since we live in a fallen world, this describes many people we encounter today. They wonder why they are unhappy and why they do not have friends. The answer to their dismay is just one gentle step away, but they fail to see it because they are so inwardly focused on themselves. But if they would just take their eyes off themselves, a world of joy awaits that will draw them closer to others and to God. As the Apostle Paul writes in Ephesians 4:32, “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

This is the antithesis of the current state of much of humankind, which lives by the mantras of “You do you,” “look out for number one,” and “it’s all about me.” The words of Paul are instead what I like to call the “Kind Factor”—the factor or feature in life that pulls everything together. When you wake up in the morning asking God to provide you with the opportunity to help someone else, you will be able to live out your faith and have inner peace and satisfaction, along with a close relationship with God.

These principles extend beyond marriage to all other aspects of our lives. For instance, while researching the subject of executive leadership for a presentation I was to give, one of the principles that stood out was the importance of motivation of a leader: are they motivated for their own personal gain or are they motivated to help others flourish and thrive?

Our world is filled with authoritarian leaders—those who are working for their own self-advancement, making the most money possible, and treat subordinates as pawns to advance their own ambitions and interests. Unfortunately, I have heard stories about individuals like this leading Christian ministries whose motivation was promoting themselves, instead of promoting others and the Kingdom. It is, sadly, not isolated to the secular world. Is it any wonder then why these leaders find they have unhappy employees, a great deal of personnel turnover, and lose good employees while keeping those who are marginal in their performance?

On the other hand, there are those who are called “servant leaders.” Their employees know their leader is looking out for their best interests, cares about them, and wants to encourage them to be the best they can be. These employees are motivated to be good performers and stay in their position for a much longer period of time.

Since employee turnover is very expensive and harms productivity, it seems servant or selfless leadership is preferential to authoritarian or selfish leadership. By simply loving others—being kind—the employer can save a tremendous amount of time and money.

Here are two examples that best illustrate this difference.

One of my friends once owned a mid-size company and had a number of employees who stayed with him for over 15 years. My friend’s focus was on helping his team thrive in the workplace. He knew his employees on a personal level, learned about their home life, and the challenges they might have had with their family or life in general.

Rather than expecting his employees to always adjust to him and his wants and desires, he made adjustments for them when needed and instituted a number of initiatives to make their work more pleasant. Because he had high standards and expected his employees to excel, when an employee was not performing as expected, he didn’t kick them to the curb, but instead he or their supervisor would work with them to learn what could be done to help them thrive.

As a result, the general milieu of the company was one of comradely and family. His wife, who also worked there, would make sure the kitchens were stocked with drinks and snacks and the lounges where the employees could relax would be clean and tidy. He even provided basketballs for the company basketball court.

These initiatives were not typical of similar companies but were an innate part of this company’s environment. It had a significant and positive impact on the people, their performance, and longevity at the company.

During one of our leadership training sessions, a participant said she would often come into the office early and pray over the desks of her employees. This impacted her personal attitude and actions towards her employees and seemed to influence their behaviors. This is a wonderful example, and it’s not isolated to just those in leadership. Even if a person does not supervise others, they can still pray over desk of their colleague—or specifically for them even if they work remotely. This includes clients as well. It is an act of kindness that takes time and effort but pays great dividends.

On the other hand, another friend of mine worked for an individual who made it very clear that his leadership was motivated by “ordering people what to do.” Instead of encouraging personal and professional growth, this “leader” would sabotage the efforts of his high performers, even demoting them, while promoting those who were marginal employees because he perceived they were not a threat to his “power.” As a result, his department always had high turnover, lost countless high performers to other places where they were allowed to excel, and financial growth regressed.

Eventually, this leader lost his job but charmed his way to other leadership positions with different organizations. He would be fired from those jobs as well as the same “all about me” behaviors continued to manifest. Meanwhile, good performers at his previous employer, now under a servant/selfless leader, flourished and thrived after his departure. The organization’s financial bottom line improved greatly as well.

Thus, each of us, whether at work or at home, can influence the people around us—either positively or negatively. We are all leaders.

As a parent, you lead your children. An unkind parent will raise unkind or emotionally damaged children. A kind parent will see a child blossom and grow into an emotionally healthy adult.

If you love your children, you guide their behavior but also reprimand them, not in anger but in gentleness, when needed because you have their best interests at heart. Good parenthood provides the structure and boundaries, so they make wise decisions and behave appropriately. This is kindness in action. To not provide them with guardrails and discipline would be unkind, even cruel.

As a spouse or a neighbor, our opinions and how we express them will influence the decisions others make. In the workplace, our attitude impacts the morale of our colleagues and customers. A customer who walks into a place and senses a negative atmosphere and unhappy employees is more likely to give their business to an enterprise that expresses positivity and treats their employees with respect and dignity.

The bottom line? When your behaviors reflect concern for the best interest of others, it creates an environment in which people can thrive. Most important for all of us as Christians, your behavior will either draw non-Christians to our faith or repel them from it.

In John 15:12, Jesus says, “My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” And how did Christ love us? He loved us enough to provide instructions on how to love God and others and live a life in a manner than honors Him. He also loved to the greatest extent possible—laying down His life for us on the cross.

When you strive to love others as much as Jesus loves us, your attitude becomes “other-centered.” We gain an intense purposeful attitude to care for others. We ask ourselves, “What I can do to be of service to this person?”

In the workplace, our concern should be about their ability to thrive. At church, your thoughts need to be focused on helping your brothers and sisters be all they can be for the glory of God. In your marriage and family, you should be more concerned about your spouse’s and children’s spiritual and emotional health than your perceived “fulfillment” or “happiness.”

Selflessly giving of yourself for the benefit of others is at the core of the Christian life. It is simple and sincere kindness and care about them that will point them to Jesus. This is part of the practice of “working out your salvation with fear and trembling” as Paul writes in Philippians 2:12. The fear referenced is a reverent awe and seriousness in how we are to love our life in obedience to God’s Word. Thus, our attention should be to live out our faith by treating others with respect and kindness, regardless of the circumstances. We are ambassadors for Christ (John 13:35) and, as such, we must live lives that displays His love for others.

But nothing is ever easy and living a life of kindness requires strength and self-control. A mature believer will have depth of character required to carefully assess difficult situations, determine the best step forward, and do so with the intent of helping others to be in a situation where they can bloom. Their overall demeanor is one of general kindness.

For the mature believer, kindness should come as second nature. As we grow spiritually, our life should become richer with the qualities that Paul calls “the fruit of the Spirit” in Galatians 5:22–23. The “kind factor” should be built in each of us, as Christians, and become stronger as we grow in faith. Finding happiness in life is not about us, it is about them. But to obtain it will require a conscious effort to focus, not on yourself, but as child of the King, on building others up (1 Thess. 5:11). Instead of “you do you,” our mantra should be “I help them.”