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The Duties of Parents

A condensed version of a sermon on Proverbs 22:6, “Train up a child in the way he should go; and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

We live in days when there is a mighty zeal for education in every quarter. We hear of new schools rising on all sides. We are told of new systems, and new books for the young, of every sort and description. And still for all this, the vast majority of children are manifestly not trained in the way they should go, for when they grow up they do not walk with God. The plain truth is, the Lord’s commandment in our text is not regarded; and therefore the Lord’s promise in our text not fulfilled.

It is a subject on which all concerned are in great danger of coming short of their duty. This is preeminently a point in which men can see the faults of their neighbors more clearly than their own. They will often bring up their children in the very path which they have denounced to their friends as unsafe. They will be quick-sighted as eagles in detecting mistakes abroad, and yet blind as bats to fatal errors which are daily going on at home.

Come now, let me place before you a few hints about right training.

God’s Way, not their Own!

I. If you would train your children rightly, train them in the way they should go, and not in the way that they would (like to go).

Remember children are born with a decided bias towards evil, and therefore if you let them choose for themselves, they are certain to choose wrong.

The mother cannot tell what her tender infant may grow up to be—tall or short, weak or strong, wise or foolish—but one thing a mother can say with certainty: he will have a corrupt and sinful heart. “Foolishness,” says Solomon, “is bound in the heart of a child” (Prov. 12:15). Our hearts are like the earth on which we tread; let it alone, and it is sure to bear weeds.

If, then, you would deal wisely with your child, you must not leave him to the guidance of his own will. Give him not up to his own wayward tastes and inclinations. Train him in the way that is scriptural and right, and not in the way that he fancies. Self-will is almost the first thing that appears in a child’s mind; and it must be your first step to resist it.

Love your Child!

II. Train up your child with all tenderness, affection, and patience.

I do not mean that you are to spoil him, but I do mean that you should let him see that you love him. Love should be the silver thread that runs through all your conduct.

Let them only see that you have an affectionate feeling towards them, that you are really desirous to make them happy and to do them good that if you punish them, it is intended for their profit, and that, like the pelican, you would give your heart’s blood to nourish their souls.

Children are weak and tender creatures, and, as such, they need patient and considerate treatment. We must handle them delicately, like frail machines, lest by rough fingering we do more harm than good.

Nothing will compensate for the absence of this tenderness and love. Love is the one grand secret of successful training. Try hard to keep up a hold on your child’s affections. There is a mine of truth in the Apostle’s word, “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged” (Col. 3:21).

Much Depends upon You!

III. Train your children with an abiding persuasion on your mind that much depends upon you.

Grace is the strongest of all principles. See what a revolution grace effects when it comes into the heart of an old sinner…Truly nothing is impossible to grace. Nature, too, is very strong. See how it struggles against the things of the kingdom of God, how it keeps up an unceasing warfare within us to the last hour of life. But after nature and grace, undoubtedly, there is nothing more powerful than education. We are made what we are by training. We depend, in a vast measure, on those who bring us up.

And all of this is one of God’s merciful arrangements. He gives your children a mind that will receive impressions like moist clay. He gives them a disposition at the starting-point ‘1f life to believe what you tell them. He gives you a golden opportunity of doing them good. See that it not be neglected. Once let slip, it is gone forever.

Beware of that miserable delusion into which some have fallen -that parents can do nothing for their children, that you must leave them alone, wait for grace, and sit still. I know that you cannot convert your child. I know well that they who are born again are born, not of the will of man, but of God. But I know also that our duty is not to stand still and dispute, but to go forward and obey. The path of obedience is the way in which he gives his blessing.

The Soul is First!

IV. Train with this thought continually before your eyes—that the soul of our child is the first thing to be considered.

Precious, no doubt, are these little ones in your eyes; but if you love them, think often of their souls. In every step you take about them, in every plan and scheme and arrangement that concerns them, do not leave out that mighty question, “How will this affect their souls?”

To pet and pamper and indulge your child, as if this world was all he had to look to, and this life the only season for happiness—to do this is not love, but cruelty. It is treating him like some beast of the earth, which has but one world to look to, and nothing after death. A true Christian must be no slave to fashion, if he would train his child for heaven. He must not be content to do things merely because they are the custom of the world. He must train with an eye to his children’s souls. He that has trained his children for heaven, rather than for earth, for God, rather than for man—he is the parent that will be called wise at last.

Teach them the Bible!

V. Train your child to a knowledge of the Bible.

They cannot be acquainted with that blessed Book too soon or too well. A thorough knowledge of the Bible is the foundation of all clear views of religion. He that is well-grounded in it will not generally be found a waverer, and carried about by every wind of new doctrine. Any system of training which does not make a knowledge of Scripture the 6rst thing is unsafe and unsound. If you love your children, let the simple Bible be everything in the training of their souls; and let all other books go down and take the second place.

See that your children read the Bible reverently. Train them to look on it, not as the word of men, but as it is in truth, the Word of God, written by the Holy Ghost himself—all true, all profitable, and able to make us wise unto salvation, through faith which is in Christ Jesus.

See that they read it regularly. Train them to regard it as their soul’s daily food, as a thing essential to their soul’s daily health. See that they read it all. You need not think that the leading doctrines of Christianity are things which children cannot understand. Children understand far more of the Bible than we are apt to suppose.

Fill their minds with Scripture. Let the Word dwell in them richly. Give them the Bible, the whole Bible, even while they are young.

Teach them to Pray!

VI. Train them to a habit of prayer.

Prayer is the very life-breath of true religion. Prayer is the peculiarity of all Christians. They pray for they tell God their wants, their feelings, their desires, their fears; and mean what they say. Prayer is the one great secret of spiritual prosperity. Show me a growing Christian, a going forward, strong, flourishing Christian, and sure am I, he is one that !’!peaks often with his Lord. Prayer is the mightiest engine God has placed in our hands. Prayer is the simplest means that man can use for coming to God. It is within reach of all -the sick, the aged, the infirm, the paralytic, the blind, the poor, the unlearned—all can pray.

Parents, if you love your children, do all that lies in your power to train them up to a habit of prayer. Show them how to begin. Tell them what to say. Encourage them to persevere. You must beware lest they get into a way of praying which is hasty, careless, and irreverent. Surely if there be any habit which your own hand and eye should help in forming, it is the habit of prayer.

Train them to Go to Church!

VII. Train them to habits of diligence and regularity about public means of grace.

Tell them of the duty and privilege of going to the house of God, and joining in the prayer of the congregation. Tell them that wherever the Lord’s people are gathered together, there the Lord Jesus is present in an especial manner, and that those who absent themselves must expect to miss a blessing. Tell them of the importance of hearing the Word preached, and that it is God’s ordinance for converting, sanctifying, and building up the souls of men. Tell them how the Apostle Paul enjoins us not “to forsake the assembling of ourselves together, as the manner of some is” (Heb. 10:25).

Do not allow them to grow up with a habit of making vain excuses for not coming. Give them plainly to understand, that so long as they are under your roof it is the rule of your house for everyone in health to honor the Lord’s day, and that you reckon the Sabbath-breaker to be a murderer of his own soul.

But there are some who say that it is useless to urge children to attend means of grace because they cannot understand them.

I would not have you listen to such reasoning. When Paul was leaving the disciples for the last time, 1 find it said (Acts 21:5), “They all brought us on our way, with wives and children, till we were out of the city: and we kneeled down on the shore, and prayed.” Samuel, in the days of his childhood, appears to have ministered unto the Lord some time before he really knew him. “Samuel did not yet know the Lord, neither was the word of the Lord yet revealed unto him” (I Sam. 3:7). The Apostles themselves do not seem to have understood all that our Lord said at the time that it was spoken: “these things understood not His disciples at the first: but when Jesus was glorified, then remembered they that these things were written of Him” (John 12:16).

Be not cast down because your children see not the full value of the means of grace now. Only train them up to a habit of regular attendance. Set it before their minds as a high, holy, and solemn duty, and believe me, the day will very likely come when they will bless you for your deed.

Train them to Trust You!

VIII. I mean by this, you should train them tip to believe what you say. You should try to make them feel confidence in your judgment, and respect your opinions as better than their own. You should accustom them to think that when you say something is bad for them, it must he bad, and when you say it is good for them, it must be good; that your knowledge, in short, is better than their own, and that they may rely implicitly on your word.

Who indeed can describe the blessedness of a real spirit of faith? Or rather, who can tell the misery that unbelief has brought upon the world? Unbelief is the reigning sin of man’s heart down to this very hour—unbelief in God’s promises—unbelief in God’s threatenings—unbelief in our own sinfulness—unbelief in our own danger—unbelief in everything that runs counter to the pride and worldliness of our evil hearts.

I have heard it said by some they should require nothing of children which they cannot understand: that you should explain and give a reason for everything you desire them to do. I warn you solemnly against such a notion. I tell you plainly, I think it an unsound and rotten principle. No doubt it is absurd to make a mystery of everything you do, and there are many things which it is well to explain to children in order that they may see that they are reasonable and wise. But to bring them up with the idea that they must take nothing on trust, that they, with their weak and imperfect understandings, must have the “why” and the “wherefore” made clear to them at every step they take—this is indeed a fearful mistake, and likely to have the worst effect on their minds.

Reason with your child if you are so disposed, at certain times, but never forget to keep him in mind (if you really love him) that he is but a child after all -that he thinks as a child, he understands as a child, and therefore must not expect to know the reason of everything at once. Tell your children, too, that we must all be learners in our beginnings—that there is an alphabet to be mastered in every kind of language—that a day will come when they will see the wisdom of the training. But in the meantime if you say a thing is right, it must be right, it must be enough for them—they must believe you, and be content.

Train them to Obey!

IX. Train them to a habit of obedience.

This is an object which it is worth any labour to attain. Determine to make your children obey yon, though it may cost you much trouble, and cost them many tears. Obedience is the only reality. It is faith visible, faith acting:, and faith incarnate. “Ye are my friends if ye do whatsoever I command you” (John 15:14). It ought to he the mark of well-trained children that they do whatsoever their parents command them.

Parents, do you wish to see your children happy? Take care, then, that you train them to obey when they are spoken to—to do as they are bid. Children cannot learn too soon that this is a world in which we are not all intended to rule, and that we are never in our right place until we know how to obey our betters. Teach them to obey while young or else they will be fretting against God all their lives long, and wear themselves out with the vain idea of being independent of his control. You will see many in this day who allow their children to choose and think for themselves long before they arc able, and even make excuses for their disobedience, as if it were a thing not to be blamed. You must not wonder that men refuse to obey their Father in heaven if you allow them, when children, to disobey their father who is upon earth.

Train them to Speak the Truth!

X. Train them to a habit of always speaking the truth.

Truth-speaking is far less common in the world than at first sight we are disposed to think. The whole truth, and nothing but the truth, is a golden rule which many would do well to bear in mind. Lying and prevarication are old sins. (But) God is spoken of in the Old Testament as the God of truth. Truth seems to be especially set before us as a leading feature in the character of him with whom we have to do. Try to keep this continually before your children’s minds. Press upon them at all times that less than the truth is a lie; that evasion, excuse-making, and exaggeration are all half-way houses toward what is false. Encourage them in any circumstances to be straightforward, and, whatever it may cost them, to speak the truth.

I press this subject on your attention for your own comfort and assistance in all your dealings with them. You will find it a mighty help indeed, to be able always to trust their word. It will go far to prevent that habit of concealment which so unhappily prevails sometimes among children.

Train them to Make Use of Time!

XI. Train them to a habit of always redeeming the time.

Idleness is the devil’s best friend. An idle mind is like an open door, and if Satan does not enter in himself by it, it is certain he will throw in something to raise bad thoughts in our souls. No created being was ever meant to be idle. Service and work is the appointed portion of every creature of Cod. We must have our hands filled and our minds occupied with something,—or else our imaginations will soon ferment and breed mischief.

And what is true of us is true of our children too. Verily, I believe that idleness has led to more sin than almost any other habit that could be named. I suspect it is the mother of many a work of the flesh—the mother of adultery, fornication, drunkenness, and many other deeds of darkness that I have yet to name. Let your own conscience say whether I do not speak the truth.

I ask you to set these things before the minds of your children. Teach them the value of time and try to make them learn the habit of using it well. It pains me to see children idling over what they have in hand, whatever it may be. I love to see them active and industrious, and giving their whole heart to lessons, when they have to learn; giving their whole heart even to their amusements, when they go to play. But if you love them well, let idleness be counted a sin in your family.

Train them to Fear Over-Indulgence!

XII. Train them with a constant fear of overindulgence.

This is the one point of all on which you have most need to be on your guard. It is natural to be tender and affectionate towards your own flesh and blood, and it is the excess of this very tenderness and affection which you have to fear. Take heed that it does not make you blind to your children’s faults, and deaf to all advice about them. Take heed lest it make you overlook bad conduct rather than have the pain of inflicting punishment and correction.

I know well that punishment and correction are disagreeable things. Nothing is more unpleasant than giving pain to those we love and calling forth their tears. But so long as hearts are what hearts are, it is vain to suppose, as a general rule, that children can ever be brought up without correction.

Spoiling is a very expressive word, and sadly full of meaning! Now it is the shortest way to spoil children to let them have their own way—to allow them to do wrong and not to punish them for it. Believe me, you must not do it, whatever pain it may cost you unless you wish to ruin your children’s souls.

Parents, I beseech you, for your children’s sake, beware of over-indulgence. I call on you to remember, it is your first duty to consult their real interests and not their fancies and likings; to train them, not to humor them; to profit, not merely to please.

You must not give way to every wish and caprice of your child’s mind, however much you may love him. You must not let him suppose his will is to be everything, and that he has only to desire a thing and it will be done. Do not, I pray you, make your children idols, lest God should take them away, and break your idol, just to convince you of your folly.

Learn to say “No” to your children. Show them that you are able to refuse whatever you think is not fit for them. Show them that you are ready to punish disobedience, and that when you speak of punishment you are not only ready to threaten but also to perform. Punish seldom, but really and in good earnest, frequent and slight punishment is a wretched system indeed.

If there be any point which deserves your attention it is this one. It is one that will give you trouble, I know. But if you do not take trouble with your children when they are young, they will give you trouble when you are old. Choose which you prefer.

Train them to Know How God trains his Children

XIII. Train them remembering continually how God trains his children.

The Bible tells us that God has an elect people—a family in this world. All poor sinners who have been convinced of sin, and flee to Jesus for peace, make up that family. All of us who really believe on Christ for salvation are its members.

God the Father is ever training the members of this family for their everlasting abode with him in heaven. He acts as a husbandman pruning his vines that they may bear more fruit. He allots to each of us, in his providence, the very things we need in order to bear the most fruit—as much of sunshine as we can stand, and as much of rain—as much of bitter things as we can bear, and as much of sweet. Reader, if you would train your children wisely, mark well how God the Father trains his. He doeth all things well; the plan which he adopts must be right.

See, then, how many things there are which God withholds from his children. See, too, how often God leads his people by ways which seem dark and mysterious to our eyes. See, also, how often God chastens his people with trial and affliction.

I ask you to lay to heart the lesson which God’s dealings with his people is meant to teach you. Fear not to withhold from your child anything you think will do him harm, whatever his own wishes may be. This is God’s plan.

Hesitate not to lay on him commands of which he may not at present see the wisdom, and to guide him in ways which may not now seem reasonable to his mind. This is God’s plan.

Shrink not from chastising and correcting him whenever you see his sours health requiring it, however painful it may be to your feelings; and remember medicines for the mind must not be rejected because they are bitter. This is God’s plan.

And be not afraid, above all, that such a plan of training will make your child unhappy. I warn you against this delusion. Depend on it, there is no surer road to unhappiness than always having our own way. To have our wills checked and denied is a blessed thing for us; it makes us value enjoyments when they come. To be indulged perpetually is the way to be made selfish; and selfish people are seldom happy.



Train them to Know Sin’s Power!

XIV. Train them remembering continually the power of sin.

You must not expect to find your children’s minds a sheet of pure white paper and to have no trouble if you only use the right means. I warn you plainly you will find no such thing. It is painful to see how much corruption and evil there is in a young child’s heart and how soon it begins to bear fruit. Violent tempers, self-will, pride, envy, sullenness, passion, idleness, selfishness, deceit, cunning, falsehood, hypocrisy, a terrible aptness to learn what is bad, a painful slowness to learn what is good, a readiness to pretend anything in order to gain their own ends—all these things, or some of them, you must be prepared to see, even in your own flesh and blood. In little ways they will creep out at a very early age; it is almost startling to observe how naturally they seem to spring up. Children require no schooling to learn to sin.

But you must not be discouraged and cast down by what you see. You must not think it a strange and unusual thing, that little hearts can be so full of sin. It is the only portion which our father Adam left us; it is the fallen nature with which we come into the world. It is that inheritance which belongs to us all. Let it rather make you more diligent in using every means which seems most likely, by God’s blessing, to counteract the mischief. Let it make you more and more careful, so far as in you lies, to keep your children out of the way of temptation.

Never listen to those who tell you your children are good, and well brought up, and can be trusted. Think rather that their hearts are always inflammable as tinder. At their very best, they only want a spark to set their corruptions alight. Remember the natural depravity of your children and take care.

Train them to Remember the Promises!

XV. Train them remembering continually the promises of Scripture.

I name this in order to guard you against discouragement.

You have a plain promise on your side, “and when he is old he shall not depart from it.” Fathers and mothers, when your hearts are failing, and ready to halt, look at the word of this text and take comfort. Think who it is that promises. It is the word of the King of kings, who never changes. Think, too, what the promise contains, before you refuse to take comfort from it. It speaks of a certain time when good training shall especially bear fruit—“when he is old.” You may not see with your own eyes the result of careful training. You must sow in hope and plant in hope.

Many children, I doubt not, will rise up in the day of judgment and bless their parents for good training who never gave any signs of having profited by it during their parents’ lives. Go forward then in faith, and be sure that your labor shall not be altogether thrown away.

Fathers and mothers, you may take your children to be baptized, and have them enrolled in the ranks of Christ’s Church; you may send them to the best of schools and give them Bibles and Prayer Books and fill them with head knowledge; but if all this time there is no regular training at home, I tell you plainly, I fear it will go hard in the end with your children’s souls. Home is the place where habits are formed—where the foundations of characters are laid—home gives the bias to our tastes, our likings, and opinions. See then, I pray you, that there be careful training at home.

John Charles Ryle was bishop of Liverpool from 1880 to 1900. His books have been republished by The Banner of Truth Trust, whose American representative is Puritan Publications, Box 652, Carlisle, PA, 171013. The sermon, “Duties of Parents,” appears in its unabridged form in volume entitled, THE UPPER ROOM, pp. 282–319.