In my last article, I mentioned that when faced with failure, we tend to flee for refuge to one of three idols: control, comfort, or approval. We saw how Americans, surrounded by comfort, often hide under its shifting shadow. But comfort is not our only antidote to failure; we also chase the dazzling rays of approval. For, as many comforts tantalize us, so there are screens and mirrors and flashing pictures.
Constantly, pictures of friends and acquaintances dazzle and awaken envy in us. We catch snatches of perfectly put together children, husbands, jobs, diet plans. They have it all together. Everyone likes them. We want that. So when we get home after a failed business proposal, or retreat to our room after a plate-shattering fight with our husband, we send the pleasant pieces of our lives into internet space. Then wait. Will they approve of us? Will they “like” us? Their affirmation is soul balm.
Now, if you are one of those who doesn’t give a button what the elusive public thinks about you, don’t check out. You may not care about the approval of people in general. But how many of you, after yelling at your kids again, or eating too much cake again, turn to your friend, mom, boss, church friends to make you feel better? Their gentle words of affirmation and understanding help you forget your failures.
There is nothing wrong with encouraging your friend, or even wanting the approval of others. Approval, like comfort, is not inherently sinful. It is not wrong to desire a good reputation or good standing in the eyes of others. God even commands us to—as much as possible—live at peace with everyone (Rom. 12:18). Seeking approval becomes sinful when we find in it our source of security, identity, hope, joy; when approval becomes that thing we run to when we’ve failed. When it takes the place of God.
How do you know if you have ousted God to make room for approval? Put another way, how can you tell if you love the “approval of men rather than the approval of God” (John 12:43, New American Standard Bible)? Check your pulse. What increases your heart rate and makes you rub clammy hands? The thought that your boss may scoff at your work? The dread of losing your friend when she discovers your dirt? Being seen in public without any makeup or with tousled hair? Or is it the dread of resisting God’s will? Or that your action may grieve the Holy Spirit? Are you a Pilate who caves when he realizes he might lose Caesar’s approval, or a Paul who is stoned and booed out of town for the sake of the gospel? What choice most resembles your thought life?
What will others think if I do this? What will God think if I do this?
Will I fail? How will God be glorified if I fail?
How can I make him love me? How can I show Christ’s love to him?
Am I as pretty as she? Am I as godly as Christ?
Will being his friend improve my image? Will being his friend glorify God?1
In short, whom to do you fear more: man or God?2
If your answer is man (or one man, or one woman, or a group), take care. The path to attaining human approval is muddy, slippery, and leads nowhere. Here’s why.
Pitfalls of Approval
One: people are fickle. Your husband comes home from work, tired. All he wants is dinner and bed. The next day, he wants a listening ear. Your friends love your lemon bars; then they go on a diet. What pleases someone one day annoys them the next. And the more people you aim to please, the higher the odds stack. It is impossible to please anyone all of the time. Not to mention trying to please all men.3 There is no way of knowing if that person will always coo and rub your back when you flunk your test or injure your foot and can’t run anymore.
Two: people are sinful. Fallen mankind is primarily pleased with themselves. Without Christ, we love ourselves and whatever makes us happy. And what makes our sinful souls happy? Sexual impurity, shameful lusts, envy, murder, strife, deceit, malice, gossip, slander, hating God, insolence, arrogance, pride, and more (Rom. 1:24, 26, 29–30). And not only do we delight in doing these things, but also we approve of those who do them (Rom. 1:32). Thus, nursing our failure through approval comes at a cost. Our target audience says, “If you really want to please me:
go into debt to buy me what I want,
or do whatever it takes to lose 10 pounds,
or go to bed with me,
or get drunk with me,
or get high with me,
or lie for me,
or let me cheat on this test by peeking over your shoulder,
or break the law for me,
or look the other way when I break the law,
or stay home from church with me.”4
And though Christians have new minds, desires, and whole self in Christ, we still war with these same desires (2 Cor. 5:17; Rom. 7:15). Still riddled with sin, we tend to approve of people who gossip, or complain about, or belittle others with us; or those who ignore our sins—because we all know we are sinful.
Three: we, ourselves, are sinful. The spurs driving us to medicate with approval are the sins of fear of others and pride in ourselves. “[The people-pleaser] is concerned (if not consumed) with the establishment and maintenance of his own reputation.”5 She lives in constant fear of exposure—dreading lest those by whom they want to be admired, see all that is unadmirable (ugly, broken, sinful) in her.6 Her fear leads her to live a double life. She, like the Pharisees, prays long, drawn-out prayers during the Bible study for which she did not prepare. She carries herself with poise and modesty at work, and the opposite after hours. And this because, despite her fear, in the darkest corners of her heart, she really thinks she is worthy of worship. After all, isn’t that what earning approval is all about— earning others’ worship?
Cry Out
It is clear, then, that others’ approval is no solution to dealing with our failures. But we can’t will away idols. We can throw every self-help book, every good intention, every new discipline program, and all our resolutions against our well-entrenched enemies, only to find ourselves bloodied, discouraged, and running for the hills. It is only in the power of the Spirit that we can comprehend our enemy’s strengths and find the wisdom to tear down and destroy our idols. The Spirit comes to the aid of these who humble themselves, recognizing their utter helplessness and crying out for his help in desperation (cf. 1 Peter 1:5).7
In other words, in order to disarm our idol of approval, we must cry out to the Holy Spirit. Cry out to him not only do destroy the idol but replace it with himself. Until we see God as our security, hope, joy, we will run to something else in the face of failure. Cry out to him in repentance; surrendering and turning from your deepest, dark desires.8 Until we acknowledge and surrender our approval idol, we will run to it in the face of failure. Cry out, because he will help .“God knows how to help you. The Lord Jesus has gone before you. He has purchased your freedom, cleansed your heart and conscience, empowered you with His Spirit, secured your soul in His hand. He can deliver you from your sin. Rest and rejoice in Him” (2 Peter 2:9).9 Cry out to him in worship, for he (not we) is alone worthy (1 Chron. 17:23–25).
So, next time you fail, take note of where you first run. Is it to your fickle, sinful friends or media, or your unchanging, holy God? A God who can handle your failures, and sin, and pain. A God who will not flake when you bring your darkness and dirt to him, because he already knows it all. A God who, when you receive him, looks at Christ’s work attributed to you and declares that he approves of you (Heb. 11:6). And his approval is forever, and forever sure.
1. Lou Priolo, Pleasing People: How Not to Be an “Approval Junkie” (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2007).
2. Ibid.
3. Ibid.
4. Ibid.
5. Ibid.
6. Edward T. Welch, When People Are Big and God Is Small: Overcoming Peer Pressure, Codependency, and the Fear of Men (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 1997).
7. Elise Fitzpatrick, Idols of the Heart: Learning to Long for God Alone (Phillipsburg, NJ: P&R, 2001).
8. Ibid.
9. Ibid.
Elisabeth Bloechl is a member of Orthodox Presbyterian Church Hammond, and a house cleaner and aspiring writer in Hammond, WI.