As I was sitting down in the home of an elderly couple from our congregation, I noticed a nice sign which read, “Christ is the head of our house, the unseen guest at every meal, the silent listener to each conversation.” I have seen that sign before, but I thought about it a little longer this time. It was a wonderful testimony that this is a Christian home. Along the same lines, my wife and I received a wedding present which quotes Joshua 24:15 (English Standard Version), “As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” This must be a central conviction for any Reformed believers as they establish their home.1 There are six characteristics of a Reformed home.

Headship

As the opening quote stated, “Christ is the head of our house.” Christ has redeemed for himself a people. The Reformed confess that because of that atoning work, we are “not our own” (Heidelberg Catechism, Lord’s Day 1, Q&A 1). We belong to Christ, and so does all that we possess. Our homes then operate under the lordship of Jesus Christ.

This lordship is extended to heads of homes. Ephesians 5:22–33 teaches us that the husband is the head of the home. This is the patriarchal model of home and family that has existed since God brought Eve to Adam in Genesis 2. Herman Bavinck states, “At the head of the family stood the father who was master of everyone and everything. That is not to say that wife and children were his property . . . but man was nevertheless the head, the master, the owner and the maintainer of the great entity of the family.”2 We live in a day and age that has sought to undermine such a biblical structure time and again.

What does it mean to be the head of the home? It means to be a servant leader and protector.3 The husband is given the responsibility to love and care for his wife and children. The wife and children are to respect the head of the home. If you have ever been in a home where children are disrespectful to the parents, it likely left a sour taste in your mouth. The reason oftentimes, though not always, is that disrespectful children are not being properly disciplined.

Firm, loving correction is the nurture that God calls parents to perform. Correction sets children on a proper course of love and respect for their whole lives. The wisdom of Proverbs rings true: “Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but the one who loves him is diligent to discipline him” (Prov. 13:24). You could add to that a myriad of other biblical wisdom (Heb. 12:7; Deut. 8:5; Prov. 3:12; 19:18; 22:15; 23:13–14; 29:15, 17). The discipline of children is not easy, but it is the task given to parents in the home.

Family Worship4

Family worship, when done well, can be a daily highlight in a Reformed home. Though each family might have a different schedule and lives can be busy, it is of paramount importance to ensure that time each day is spent in family worship. Family worship is to be centered around the Word of God: read, discussed, prayed upon, and sung.

Each family has to figure out their best time of the day, whether after supper, in the evening, or another time, but it is important to keep that time reserved each day. If we know ourselves, we know how easily things can be forgotten when times get busy.

In our home, our practice is that when each child reaches the age of reading (five to seven) we purchase them a Bible with their name engraved on the front cover. They are always proud to have their own Bible. After supper, we read Scripture, taking turns to read a verse until we are done. Then we discuss the passage with either parent asking questions. As children grow older, they are more likely to ask questions in return, and then a beautiful discussion can take place. After Scripture reading, we sing a psalm and a then a hymn, often singing an extra song that the children are memorizing. After singing, which usually happens a capella (otherwise it is done around the piano), then we pray. We have an assigned child pray, and our church gives us a prayer calendar for members in our congregation. This is the schedule; the children are used to it, so they expect it and behave accordingly. As with habits, they become expected and children will hold parents accountable. As a father, the highlight of each day is spending that time around the supper table eating and then having family worship. I cherish that time, for before I realize, those children will be grown and will be, by God’s grace, having family worship in their own homes.

Another important function of family worship in our home is that it is a great way to prepare the children for the coming Lord’s Day. In our church, the bulletin is emailed to the congregation on the Friday before Sunday. On Saturday night, we study the passage that will be preached upon, we go through each song that is to be sung, and if they are unknown, we introduce the children to them, so that when Sunday comes, they know what to expect and they can be more informed worshippers. God has blessed this effort, and as a whole family, we are prepared for the Lord’s Day.

Hospitality5

As Reformed Christians, we recognize that God has given us homes for a purpose. One purpose is to use them to be a blessing to those around us. When I attended college, I had a list of churches to visit and choose which one to attend. The first Sunday I was there, I attended a church and a kind family invited me over. They said that I was welcome there every Sunday. I quickly became a student member there and sat under four years of faithful preaching and four years of beautiful hospitality by many in that congregation.

When you open your home to others, you are opening your world to them. When you sit and share a meal with someone, then you can really get to know them. It removes so many barriers to fellowship by showing loving hospitality.

This past Christmas our family made small invitations and walked to each house on our street and invited everyone over on a Saturday afternoon for hot chocolate and Christmas cookies. We invited more people than our house could hold (my wife was a little nervous). On that Saturday about twenty-five of our neighbors showed up. They thought it was such a great idea, and they had such a great time. Some of our neighbors had lived across the street from each other for twenty years and had never had a conversation with each other. We opened up our home and because of that, we have opened up our lives.

Opening your home to visitors, strangers, or even friends can be stressful. But what we must remember is that people don’t care if your home is a bit messy. People don’t care if you don’t have an elaborate meal planned. They are appreciative to be invited to your home. Practice hospitality (Rom. 12:13), and you will see that it is contagious.

Grace-Filled

A Reformed home should be one that is filled with grace. Of all people, those who believe in total depravity and unconditional election should realize how much we have received in Jesus Christ. Without grace, where would we be?

The application of that grace in our homes must be permeating. Children should feel comfortable to speak the truth to their parents, because they know that their parents love them. Children need the security that grace gives. This is first exemplified in the home.

A child will learn first about God from their parents. In terms of headship, the father is to be a reflection of God himself. He obviously is not sinless, and he should repent when he sins, but children should learn about God from the character of their father and mother. Their character affects the whole home and sets the tone for life in the home.

If you were raised in a home or have visited a home filled with strife and fighting, then you know that it is something of a rotten place. It leaves a spiritual and relational stench. But a home filled with love, grace, and forgiveness is one where even the guest or stranger is put at ease. A home characterized by love is a place others will want to be.

It is the parents who establish this type of home.

Children Blessed

When God brought Adam and Eve together in the first marriage, he exhorted them to “fill the earth and subdue it.” That command is often called the creation mandate. In it, God called Adam and Eve to have children within their marriage relationship. It is important to note that God is addressing them as a couple. It takes a man and a woman to produce a child. No one can do it alone. Bavinck says, “If this calling of the image-bearer of God . . . to fill the earth and subdue it . . . then the single individual person, even though he may be a man and a son of God, is not capable of exercising that calling.”6 One grand purpose of marriage is to produce offspring.

The Reformed have been known to have large families. My grandfather is one of fourteen children born to his parents. Though having a dozen children is not necessarily the calling of a couple today, they are called to produce children if they are able. Though there are a variety of opinions on the size of families, it is a Christian principle to see children as a blessing from the Lord (Ps. 127:3–5).

There are many couples who have unnecessarily put off marriage and children because they do not think they are financially able to have such. Even though God gives us wisdom, we had better make sure that we are not being selfish. What role does trusting God to provide for a family come in the picture? Being part of a broader covenant community brings with it the commitment to help those in need, “especially to those of the household of faith” (Gal. 6:10).

Families established on the Word of God submit themselves to the authority of God. Each child God gives is a blessing from the Lord, whether it is born in the home or adopted or fostered. God has given us a tremendous opportunity to be countercultural in our view of family and children. Walk through a supermarket or go to a playground with four to six kids and you will have an opportunity to explain why you do what you do.

Stewardship

If a child receives an inheritance at a young age, that money is put into a trust and the one with authority over that trust is called a trustee. The money does not belong to the trustee but rather to the child. The trustee is responsible for it. The same is true with all that we have. Our homes, our children, our churches, our schools, our possessions do not belong to us. We are entrusted with them. At the end of the day, we will stand before God and have to answer the question of what we did with what was God’s.

We teach our children to save money, to make good decisions, to try to get ahead in life. But what have we taught our children upon the foundation of all of those things? As Reformed believers, we do not simply recognize the fact that we do not deserve anything. We recognize the fact that God has given us so much. But why has God given us more than we need? One purpose of work is “that I work faithfully so that I may help the needy in their hardship” (Heidelberg Catechism, Lord’s Day 42, Q&A 111). All that we have is the Lord’s. Keep that in mind when you look around at the material blessing God has given to you.

When we think of the role of the home in the life of the believer it should be our prayer that God might use us to be a blessing to those around us. Our society continues to attack the home. The home is the foundation of society. What do we think will happen if Christians don’t stand up in boldness and with conviction upon the Word of God? Yet do not be afraid; this is all in the good plan of the Lord. We are given the handbook of the Scriptures as we establish Christ-centered homes. Be encouraged to establish your homes with headship, family worship, hospitality, grace, children, and stewardship. “Unless the Lord builds the house, those who build it labor in vain” (Ps. 127:1).

1 In this article I am writing from the perspective of a home having a husband and wife and potentially children. The same would apply to the home of a single believer.

2 Herman Bavinck, The Christian Family (Grand Rapids: Christian’s Library Press, 2012), 135–36

3 Bryan Chapell gives an excellent treatment of the husband as a servant leader in the home in Each for the Other (Grand Rapids: Baker, 2006).

4 A helpful and brief resource on the subject of family worship is Joel Beeke, Family Worship (Grand Rapids: Reformation Heritage Books, 2002).

5 A helpful resource on the subject of hospitality is Rosaria Butterfield, The Gospel Comes with a House Key (Wheaton, IL: Crossway, 2018).

6 Ibid., 6.

Rev. Steve Swets is the pastor of Rehoboth United Reformed Church in Hamilton, ON, and the co-editor of Faithful and Fruitful: Essays for Elders and Deacons (Reformed Fellowship, forthcoming).