Losing a loved one will happen to most us. Although many of the points made will be applicable to all people who grieve the loss of a loved one, this article was written with widows in mind who are in middle life. Those who are widowed at an early age or still have young children, or those who lose their husband after more than half a century of marriage, and widowers, have different issues to deal with that cannot all be discussed in the scope of this article.

God’s Command

God’s command is to not oppress the widow. In many places (Zech. 7:10; Mal. 3:5) the law from Exodus 22:22–23 is repeated: “You shall not mistreat any widow or fatherless child. If you mistreat them, and they cry out to me, I will surely hear their cry, and my wrath will burn” (English Standard Version). Verse 24 tells you how serious God is about it.

Usually the fatherless, the widow, and the sojourner are mentioned together because they are easy to take advantage of or to exclude. It’s specifically mentioned that they need to be included in the God-ordained feasts (Deut. 16).

In Acts 6:1–7 the first seven deacons were appointed because the “widows were being neglected in the daily distribution” (v. 1).

So, when there is a new widow in the church, how will she go about her grief and new status, and how can the church community best help her? This I want to talk about in this article.

My Story

Every widow has a different story that she may want to tell over and over again. Here is mine.

Six months after he turned fifty, my husband, Richard, was diagnosed with a rare aggressive bone cancer. It was growing in his thigh bone and was skillfully removed and replaced with titanium by an oncologist. Seeing our two young sons (ages nine and thirteen at the time) when she came to report to me after the surgery, she cheerfully remarked, “I got to use my power tools!”

The scans showed the cancer had not spread, so the only long-term effect was that Rich limped and needed a cane.

After five years he was declared a cancer survivor. In the eighth year the cancer resurfaced in a little sore on his scalp. It had also spread to his liver and lungs.

For nine months he went through grueling chemo treatments and surgeries. In between, he went through all the papers he had always kept and so relived his life, which made him thankful. He gave last instructions to me and his now grown sons and showed a calm and acceptance that could only come from God himself. God also allowed him to organize his own memorial service and write his obituary.

He passed away the day after Labor Day, nine years to the day after his first diagnosis. Those were nine very good years in which he had served the Lord better than ever before. In the same week, our younger son left for college, and I went from having a family at home to care for, to being all alone in a big old family home.

Grief

Obviously, every widow’s story is different. A friend of mine lost her husband in a split second in a car accident. Another’s husband had a sickbed of many years. The loss is always devastating, and a long process of grief starts at the moment of the loved one’s passing. Even if we know our loved one is with Jesus, we are still here on earth, dealing with all the consequences of this person’s death.

The biggest change for the widow is the loss of her spiritual leader. Not only spiritual matters but in all practical matters she always had a person to go to. Now God needs to replace this person, and he is eager to do so. In Isaiah 54:5 it says: “For your Maker is your husband, the Lord of hosts is his name.” And in Psalm 68:5 it says, “Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God.” If she takes God at his word, she’ll experience that he really can replace her husband, even down to the practical details of finding that important file.

People want to know how long the period of mourning is. This is different for every person. In general it may take two to three years for the widow to feel she has started this new chapter of her life.

Many books are written on grief, and some of them are mentioned at the end of this article. I collected those titles from widow friends who found them helpful. So many books are written, because everybody’s grief experiences are different. Yet there are also similarities, which makes it possible to talk and write and to advise on how to be of help.

The Grieving Process

The best description of the grieving process I found is that of a sea with many waves. You are in it, and the waves come crashing down on you with such frequency and force that you think you are drowning. But ever so slowly the waves become a little less high and a little less frequent, and you realize you can catch your breath in between them. Over time the waves will become much less high and frequent, but still every once in a while one will crash over you with unexpected force and will take you by surprise.

Grief is not an enemy to be avoided but a process to be followed. When you grieve, you need to be allowed by yourself and others to grieve; otherwise no healing can take place. A broken heart must be healed, not fixed.

There is no right way to grieve. Every person (and every relationship) is different and how you grieve may even be a surprise to yourself.

There are certain phases that every grieving person will go through, and some of those are the following:

Right after the death there is usually a time of shock, or fog, or denial. This in a way is good, because it upholds the widow during the process of the burial.

But there comes a time that feelings need to be acknowledged and crying needs to be done.

The first year is a year of firsts and very difficult. All the holidays and family traditions and celebrations will take place without the loved one. This is an extremely lonely time.

There are so many practical problems: the upkeep of house, yard, and car; the finances; tax season; going through the deceased person’s clothes and stuff.

The treasured gift of memories needs to be built. Realize that the loved one will always live in your heart; give the good and treasured memories a place in your heart (and home) where you can visit them often.

Then you slowly need to realize that you are starting a new book or chapter in your life. The book of (this) marriage is closed and needs to be put on the shelf with the other closed books of your past life.

Realization that God has a plan for you in your new life, part of which is to help other widows, as you are very much equipped for that now (2 Cor. 1:4).

How to Help a Grieving Widow

For this part I collected the ideas from my widowed friends and myself. Most people who want to help will come up with most of these points themselves, but sometimes it is good to get some ideas from others.

At the beginning, all you can do and need to do is give a hug. The widows all love hugs: it’s a physical show of affection, sympathy, and love. I still love hugs!

And right after that, she needs prayers and she needs to know that you are praying for her. Sometimes a widow is angry with God, and praying for her will help her deal with those feelings. She may not feel the presence of God, but she will know he is there, because you are telling her that you are praying.

My sons and I literally felt uplifted by prayers. They prevented our grief from becoming overwhelming and kept us close to God. Therefore we were able to see God‘s grace in almost all of the circumstances surrounding the death, which was very comforting.

However, be careful when you quote Bible verses. A verse like Romans 8:28, “all things work together for good,” could come across as hurting rather than comforting. The same is true for asking “How are you?” only to be polite and not waiting for the answer, or making the inconsiderate remark that she’s no longer a couple.

However, it is wise for the widow to know that she shouldn’t make any life-changing decisions in the first year, and sometimes she needs to be reminded by others.

For practical help, the list is endless and different for every situation. But here are some of the things that were helpful to me and my widow friends, and I quote:

Meals brought over and staying to eat with me.

Being invited out for a meal or coffee with friends.

Others listening and weeping with me.

Notes, especially when they expressed how much my husband meant to them.

Out-of-town (or not) family and friends coming over for a weekend visit to help with cleaning, household repairs, and organizational necessities.

Being invited over for the holidays, even if I opted not to go.

A box of chocolates or a bouquet of flowers on Valentine’s Day or his birthday (or another memorable day).

Being invited out for dinner on the day of our wedding anniversary and my birthday.

Spending time with/interacting with friends who are also widows.

Books and booklets about grieving and receiving an encouraging note in my email inbox every morning (see below for a website that does this).

People remembering my husband and telling me. Even still on the first (and next) anniversary of his death.

Elders in church calling on me.

Elders in church talking to my sons with genuine interest in their lives. (I think when there are younger sons, the men in church need to fulfill that role or help find male mentors for them.)

Help with navigating the finances, especially if the death was sudden or a business is involved.

The Widow in the Church

I was blessed with my church community and my family, as together they did all of the above. Gradually the widow needs to start taking on her new position and role in the church community.

There are several things she should be doing, according to 1 Timothy 5:4: “If a widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show godliness to their own household and to make some return to their parents, for this is pleasing in the sight of God.” I would add that she is well equipped now to help other women who become widows, knowing just what they need. If she is open to it, God will often send women in her life whom she can help, and in doing so, she will find healing herself.

If the widow is all alone, according to 1 Timothy 5:5, “She . . . has set her hope on God and continues in supplications and prayers night and day.” She will become a pillar in her church if she does that.

When most of the urgent practical problems are taken care of and the grief starts to subside a bit, it is good for the widow to devote more time to mentoring or other services to women within her church.

When the church community steps up to help widows and when the widow, when she has recovered enough, steps up to do her part in the church, they are all in God’s will, and God will be well pleased and bless them all.

Resources

The following resources were collected from widows and are written here in random order.

Journeying through Grief by Kenneth C. Hauck. A series of four books by the founder of Stephen Ministries.

Continuing Care Series by Doug Manning. A series of four books published by In-Sight Books, Inc. (www.InSightBooks.com).

Grieving, Hope and Solace: When a Loved One Dies in Christ by Albert Martin.

Dying Thoughts by Richard Baxter.

Heading for Heaven by J. C. Ryle.

No Pain Among the Blessed by Isaac Watts.

A Widow’s Journey by Gayle Roper.

Getting to the Other Side of Grief by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries.

Traveling through Grief: The Five Tasks of Grief by Susan J. Zonnebelt-Smeenge and Robert C. De Vries.

Hope for an Aching Heart: Uplifting Devotions for Widows by Margaret Nyman.

www.AWidowsMight.org (also on Facebook)

www.Griefshare.org, where you can find support groups or receive a daily email in your inbox.

Mrs. Annemarieke Ryskamp was born and raised in the Netherlands and worked as a secondary school teacher at United World College in Singapore. She was married to Dr. Richard Ryskamp and was widowed in 2015. Their two sons are now in graduate studies. The family has lived in the Grand Rapids, MI, area since 1997 and are members of Dutton United Reformed Church.